Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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