I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
