My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
