the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
