Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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