stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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