My liver just broke up with me...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
