one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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