She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
