how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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