Do vagina's smell?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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