So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
