if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
