I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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