i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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