I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
