these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
