meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
