Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i believe in u and ur pee
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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