The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
