highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
