On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
