I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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