Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
