I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
