shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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