I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
