Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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