After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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