Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
