I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
