just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
