Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
