I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
