I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
