I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
