he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
