she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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