she was so not down for the gang bang
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
