should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
