So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
