come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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