I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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