my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
