I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
