she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
