im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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