Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
