Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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