Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
