i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
